Now I’m In It: Haim on Depression
"Now I'm In It" is one of Haim's best songs, and - if you're a therapist looking for something to write about - their most interesting. "it is about going through it. a depression. not leaving the house type s**t," tweeted lead singer and songwriter Danielle Haim in the lead up to its release.
"Every day my sisters and i [sic] feel so... lucky that we get to do this for a living! it seemed like stopping and dealing with these emotions would be letting everyone down."
Clients will often feel depressed, and then feel guilty for feeling that way. There’s a touch of this in Haim's tweet. When you're releasing critically acclaimed music, touring the world, and on the guest list for Taylor Swift's Fourth of July parties, depression can feel incongruous, or unearned. In other words, if life looks this good, why should I feel this bad?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) talks about clean and dirty pain. Clean pain is a natural, understandable, and appropriate response to what you're experiencing. On the other hand, dirty pain is an extra level of suffering that comes from the stories we tell ourselves about the pain. Usually, these are thoughts saying we shouldn't, or don't have a right to feel this way, adding guilt and shame on top of already unbearable feelings.
The reality is, someone will almost always have it worse than us. But this does not invalidate our own pain - it's not a contest.
Here's another thought. In the second verse, Danielle sings,
"Something in the way that I felt when I woke up
Told me that I shouldn't give in, give up hope
Told me that I shouldn't fight what I felt"
I love how she equates not giving in with not fighting her feelings. This might sound counterintuitive - culturally we're taught to fight through feelings and not let people down, as Haim said. Many therapies would even endorse a version of this, and have people take action immediately, by going for walks, eating better, practicing a tool, etc.
Sometimes this is very helpful. Other times, it's not enough. We also need to make space to feel what we're feeling and hear what the emotion is trying to tell us. Susan David, Ph.D. says, "uncomfortable emotions... are like the guiding beam from a lighthouse: they warn you of dangers ahead and help you navigate a meaningful life more effectively." Narrative therapists talk about the "absent-but-implicit," (read more about this here) the idea that every complaint or difficult emotion points to something important missing from our lives. Internal Family Systems (IFS) would see depression as a protective part, and work to hear what it is trying to protect us from. None of this is passive or giving up.
"I shouldn't give in, give up hope... I shouldn't fight what I felt" may feel contradictory. But feeling and listening to our emotions gives us invaluable information. This lets us align our next steps with what is important to us, making them more relevant, meaningful, and effective.
Check out the song here.
